WELCOME TO EARTH
Terms and Conditions Apply
Congratulations.
You have arrived on Planet Earth.
Your account was activated automatically at birth.
No signature was required.
No orientation was provided.
Your geographic entry point automatically selected several minor settings, including citizenship, currency, language, legal system, property system, tax system, available rights, police authority, health-care arrangements, economic opportunities, and whether somebody nearby was presently having a war.
You were unavailable for consultation.
Do not worry.
Everything was selected for you.
Regional settings vary.
The meter does not.
Your Account
You have been issued:
ONE HUMAN LIFETIME
| Opening balance | Unknown |
| Expiry date | Unknown |
| Additional deposits | Unavailable |
| Replacement hours | Unavailable |
| Refunds | Unavailable |
| Time spent reading this page | Deducted |
Your account began deducting time immediately.
The Actual Currency
Money obscures the transaction.
The real currency is:
YOUR LIFE
Retailers generally do not label merchandise this way.
Life-Hour Cost Calculator
Consent
The arrangement may be described as operating with the consent of the governed.
You may search your records for the relevant consent form.
Do not be concerned if you cannot locate it.
Your signature remains unnecessary.
Please select one
Selecting any option will continue your participation.
Additional Information
Please identify the matter requiring clarification.
Frequently Asked Questions
I don't understand all of the Terms.
Neither does anybody completely.
Specialists understand portions.
They charge by the hour.
Whose hour?
Ultimately yours.
Can I speak to whoever is in charge?
Certainly.
Please specify which portion of the arrangement concerns you.
The whole arrangement.
No department matching that description could be located.
Then who designed it?
Current administrators inherited large portions from previous administrators, who inherited substantial portions from earlier administrators.
Modifications have been made.
Who authorized the first administrators?
Please continue backward until the paperwork becomes swords.
Can I simply say no?
Yes.
Your response will be recorded.
The Terms remain applicable.
Did I agree to this?
Please see Consent.
Can I leave?
Certainly.
Please identify the jurisdiction you wish to enter.
I meant leave the entire arrangement.
Spaceflight options are improving.
Is this legally binding?
The actual laws are considerably longer.
Is this a joke?
We were hoping you could tell us.
Customer Satisfaction Survey
Thank you for participating on Planet Earth.
Your feedback helps us maintain the appearance of responsiveness.
Comments exceeding the available space may be attached on additional pages.
Additional pages consume additional time.
Final Account Acknowledgement
This concludes your orientation.
No additional orientation is scheduled.
You will simply continue.
Your account remained active throughout this document.
Time spent reading, laughing, rereading, arguing with the document, showing it to somebody else, or wondering whether this is actually satire has already been deducted.
No reimbursement is available.
| Opening balance | One lifetime |
| Current balance | Unknown |
| Total orientation cost | 00:00:00 |
| Confusion surcharge | Applied |
| Administrative fee | Because we could |
| Agreement status | ACCEPTED |
For administrative convenience, your acceptance has already been recorded.
Participant: Accepted at birth
Account opened: Birth
Closing date: Undisclosed
Remaining balance: Unknown
Signature on file:
X
No further action is required.
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING PLANET EARTH.
Privacy
We do not require your name.
We do not require an account.
We do not sell behavioural profiles.
We have enough problems already.
Basic server logs may exist for security and operation.
Further surveillance has not been included in this orientation.